The Miscellaneous Episodes
by Melodic HypNotic
Summary: A T7S fan fic of miscellaneous episodes.


THAT 70'S SHOW

The Miscellaneous Episodes  
Episode: 01  
  
Writer: Melodic HypNotic  
Rated: PG, for light use of explicit language.  
Summary: Kelso gets bit by the magic bug after discovering a top-hat. The gang tries to figure out how to get rid of the annoyance.  
A/N: The Misc. Episodes may contradict the show in some way shape or form, and has no real placement as far as seasons go. Think of it as like the scripts that got trashed.  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, names, etc. of That 70's Show; I am a mere fan. I do not claim this to be an official script, nor do I even deem it worthy enough.  
  
THE MYSTERIOUS AND MAGICAL HAT  
  
Kelso stammers into the basement with a large cardboard box in his arms. He drops the box on the table in front of Eric creating a loud thud.   
"Well, here it is," he presented, to Eric and Hyde.  
"Here is what?" Eric asked, cocking an eyebrow and peeking over the box.  
"Looks like a cardboard box," said Hyde, tossing the magazine he was skimming through aside to have a gander as well.  
"Remember when I said that my mom was making me go through some of the junk stored in the attic?"  
"No."  
"You have an attic?" Eric asked.  
"Yeah," Kelso nodded. "But it has a lot of gigantic spiders, so typically I didn't stay up there too long. You know, don't want to get rabies. But, anyway, I found a lot of this crap and thought I'd bring it over."  
"Hey, cool," said Eric, sifting through the junk to pick up an item. "It's one of those top hats."  
"Whoa, I didn't know we had one of those," said Kelso. He snatched the hat from out of Eric's hands and peered inside the opening. "Where's the rabbit?"  
"May be it's in the box," chimed Hyde. "With the rest of your junk."  
"Hey, hey. This isn't junk," said Kelso, stretching the hat in front of Hyde's face. "I'll have you know this is a genuine magic hat."  
"How do you know that's a magic hat, Kelso? You just found it," Eric asked.  
"Well, come on, Eric. Why else would my family have it!"  
"I don't know, I heard somewhere that people actually used to wear these things. And not just for magic shows, but for everyday life," said Hyde, sarcastically.  
"Well I don't care what you guys say," said Kelso, perturbed. He grabbed his box and began to leave the basement. "It's a magic hat!"  
Eric and Hyde exchanged looks, shaking their head as they thought of something witty to say.  
"Kelso the Magician," Eric said, staring off as if in deep thought.  
"I wonder if he'll successfully pull something out of there; like may be his brain," Hyde said, mocking Eric's look.

+++++++++++++++++++++++  
++That 70's Show Theme/Credits++  
+++++++++++++++++++++++ 

Outside on the Forman driveway, Kelso stopped both Donna and Jackie to show them his magic hat. Already, he had ran back home and changed into some new threads making him look like a doofy magician, and a dracula cape that he wore one Halloween when he was younger to top off the ensemble. He waved the hat around in front of their unamused faces chanting some made-up words.  
"Poof!" Kelso then pulled out a plush stuffed white rabbit from his hat. "Whallah! A rabbit!"  
"Kelso, that stuffed rabbit was in there the entire time. There's no trick to your trick," Donna said.  
"No it wasn't."  
"Yes it was. I saw the ears poking out," she said, moving her way around Kelso to the basement door.  
"Wait a minute," said Jackie, staring hard at the toy in Kelso's hand. "That's my stuffed animal bunny."  
"No it isn't," Kelso said, stuffing the toy back inside the hat to hide it from her.  
"Yes it is, Kelso. I've been looking for my stuffed animal bunny for months now. Give it back."  
"Finders keepers," Kelso shouted as he started to run away.  
"You found that on my bed, moron!"  
  
"So I told her, 'Get a life, lady'," Fez giggled. "Isn't that funny?"  
"Helarious," said Eric, with no emotion whatsoever.  
"Yeah, the stitches in my sides are bursting," added Hyde.  
"You have stitches in your sides?" Fez asked, cutting his giggles off short.  
Donna then walked through the basement door with a very irritated look on her face. "Can anyone tell me why Kelso is outside terrorizing the neighborhood with his Dracula Copperfield imitation."  
"Oh, yeah. His mom made him go through some old junk in his attic and he found that top hat. He's so convinced it's _magical_," answered Eric, sopping the word magical with sarcasm.  
"Oooh, a magic hat. I've heard of those," said Fez, nodding his head.  
"Yeah, but there's nothing magical about the hat," Donna said to Fez.  
"Oh, but see that's what it wants you to think. Then it will all of a sudden whip out it's unholy mystical powers and kill us all."  
"Are you trying to say it's an evil magic hat?" asked Eric, unconvinced but slightly amused.  
"May be."  
Loud thudding noising started to clamor nearby and began to get louder. Suddenly, Kelso with hat and stuffed bunny in hand comes darting through the door, the black cape wafting behind him. He shut the door with a slam and barricaded it with a flimsy half-full laundry basket sitting nearby. Striding over toward the gang, seated in their usual spots, he ducked and hid behind Hyde's chair.  
"Kelso," said Hyde. "What are you doing?"  
"Hiding from Jackie," he panted.  
"What for?"  
"She seems to have this silly idea that I stole her white stuffed animal bunny."  
"You mean the one in your hand?" Eric asked, observing the white clump of plush he held.  
"It's mine, not hers."  
"Kelso, you're a guy. Guys don't have white stuffed animal bunnies," said Donna.  
"Shh, ruthless woman."   
"Okay, Kelso, you're _pissing_ me off!" Jackie yelled from beyond the weakly blocked door. "If you get any of that hat dust on my bunny I'm going to beat you to the ground!"  
"Run, Kelso! You'll be destroyed!" Fez yelled, sounding cute and humorous in his foreign accent. "She can beat you to death with her Jackie-fists. I saw that Foxxy Brown movie, and girls really can kick guys ass ... and be foxy at the same time, too."  
"Wait a minute," Hyde said, pulling on Kelso's arm before he could run off very far. "Let me see that for a second."  
"What? The bunny?" Kelso asked, holding the bunny up. Hyde snatched it from Kelso's unsuspecting hands and held it protectively at his side. "Auh!"  
"I'm sorry, man, but there's just something terribly wrong with a man who steals a girls stuffed animal bunny and won't give it up 'cause he claims it to be his. Trust me, this is for your own good."  
"Kelso, I want my bunny back," demanded Jackie, plowing her way through the laundry basket. Hyde held the bunny up to Jackie as he pushed Kelso off from stealing it back. "Oh, Steven," she smiled, and gave him a kiss on the cheek.  
"Dammit!" Kelso said, storming toward the basement door. "Now how am I gonna pull a rabbit out of a hat with no rabbit! See, Jackie, you ruined it for the Magician Michael. Now, Magician Michael has to find a new bunny!" Sternly placing the top hat on his head, Kelso rushed out of the basement in search of a replacement rabbit.  
"That was interesting," Donna said, leaning back against the cushion on the couch.  
"More like, scary," said Eric, wrapping on arm around the beautiful redhead seated next to him. "Kelso ... talking in third person."  
"Magician Michael?" Hyde puzzled.  
"I know," piped Fez. "Magical Michael has a better ring to it. Now about those stitches?"  
"Who has stitches?" Jackie asked.  
"Hyde does."  
"Ew, Steven, you have stitches? How come I don't remember seeing them?"  
"It's because I _don't_ have them," Hyde answered, irritated. "Fez, when I said the stitches in my sides were bursting, I meant it as a sarcastic expression."  
"Ooh," sighed Fez. "Once again you've made me look like a dumbass. Damn you Americans and your inaccurate expressions."  
Hyde shook his head at the foreigner, halfly amused. Eric on the other hand decided to change the subject into something, that seemed to him, more worthwhile of talking about. He focused his attention over to Donna who was casually leaned back in his arm. "So ... I've been hearing a lot of racket over in your terrain as of lately. Care to fill us in on what your dad is cooking up over there?"  
"Oh, yeah. We're going to be getting one of those above ground pools and dad is working on setting up a patio to go with it," Donna answered.  
"You're getting a pool?" asked Fez, excitedly. "We could have pool parties!"  
"Yea, that's all well and good," sighed Hyde, "but you've got to tell your dad to keep the hammering down. Yesterday, I was trying to get into my special zone and I kept hearing banging noises. I just thought Kelso ran into the door forgetting to open it first. But it just kept on and it started getting annoying after a while so I used Forman's t-shirts as ear muffs."  
"You used my shirts for ear muffs?" Eric asked, surprised.  
"Yea, but it didn't help much."  
"Oh my God, Donna. Can you imagine the summers we'd have laying on floaters in your pool working on our tan?" said Jackie, then mumbled: " Well, your tan."  
"What?" Donna asked in a shrilling voice.  
"I sure can," Hyde grinned, imagining their summers in Donna's pool.  
"Me too," Fez gawked with doe eyes.  
"I didn't say that to arouse you guys," Jackie retaliated.  
"Well, good 'cause I'm definitely not aroused by the thought of you in the summer over at Donna's complaining that the sun is too hot and the pool is making you wet," said Eric, shaking his head. "Not a pretty scene."  
"Come on, Eric. Everyone knows that when it's hot you jump in the pool to cool off with intentions of getting wet."  
"Um, yeah," Eric said, exasperatedly.  
"No, you guys are forgetting about my dad," Donna said, speaking up.  
"What about him?" Jackie asked, not quite getting where Donna was going.  
"Picture him in swimming trunks."  
"Oh God, Donna."  
"Oh, dear Lord," Fez cried.  
"I'm trying not to," Hyde calmly stated to Donna.  
"Yeah, same here," said Eric. "I refuse to fantasize of anything of the likes as I do not wish to suffer any nightmares."  
Suddenly, Jackie gasps loudly gaining everyone's attention. She holds up her stuffed animal and points to a gray spot on it's head.  
"My bunny has dust on it!"  
"Oh my God," Fez shouted, smiling widely at what he had to say next. "It's a dust bunny! Get it? Dust bunny..."  
Everyone grumbles at Fez's corny joke as he still tries to work it for some laughs.  
  
Red stood behind his glass sliding door, looking out at his neighbor, Bob, fiddling with a large floral umbrella. His mouth gaped open at how messy the yard was, observing the wooden planks and other laboring items strewn across the lawn. He gripped his drink tightly as he slid the glass door open and moseyed over to the Pinciotti's.  
"Oh, hey, Red." Bob said, looking over the crest of the umbrella.  
"Hey," Red muttered, glancing around the yard trying to figure what his whacky neighbor was creating.  
"So, I suppose your wondering what I'm doing, aye Red?"  
Red looked up at Bob and nodded his head, his mouth still gaped open and hand gripping his drink.  
"I'm building a patio for the new above ground swimming pool I'm getting."  
"Is that what all this mess is?"  
"Well, Red, it's a mess now because I'm not finished with it. Here," he said, propping the handle of the large umbrella into a hook on a patio table. "I've got this gorgeous table here, and over there I'll be putting a lounger ..."  
"Hell, Bob. Why don't you just set up a Tiki Bar and stick flaming torches in the ground," said Red, sarcastically.  
"Hey, that's a good idea." Bob agreed, nodding his head to the idea.  
As Bob took Red around his yard and tried to give him a visual of what he was trying to do _exactly_, Kelso came running up to them still in his 'uniform'. He skidded to a stop before him, Bob looking slightly surprised and Red looking the opposite.  
"Michael, what the hell are you doing?" Red asked in his typical manner.  
"Wait, wait!" Kelso shouted, excitedly with a smile. "I've got something to show you guys!"  
"Oh, geez-"  
"No, no! It's really great! Watch." Kelso pulled out his top hat and hovered his long fingers over chanting idiotic sentences. "_PRESTO!_" He then pulled out a long silver-colored instrument with a thick, colorful handle. "Wasn't that _AWESOME!_"  
"It's a screwdriver."  
"That's my screwdriver," Bob spoke up. "I've been looking for that since four o'clock this afternoon!"  
Kelso stood in front of them with a 'I've just been caught' look on his face then quickly ran away.  
"Give back my screwdriver!"  
Red watched as Bob made a sorry attempt at running after the speedy Kelso and began to laugh.  
"Dumbasses," he mumbled over the rim of his beverage.  
  
Inside the Foreman household Eric, Hyde and Fez were seated in the kitchen looking outside at the over hilarious sight of Bob chasing down their dimwitted friend. Eric and Fez made bets if Kelso would escape with the utensil and Hyde just stood back chuckling softly to himself. As Kelso scampered about aimlessly, Eric noticed all he had in his hands was a screwdriver. He scowled a bit with slight wonderment.  
"Hey, where's Kelsos' top hat?"  
"I don't know," Fez gasped. "It was there a second a go."  
"Was it, Fez?" Hyde asked, knowingly.  
"No, I don't know. I was just watching Bob chase Kelso. It's very funny."  
"Huh," Eric sighed. "Maybe he dropped it somewhere."  
The three get bored watching the spectacle outside and decide to go to the basement. As they climb down the stairs Fez stops in his tracks.  
"Look," he pointed. "It's Magical Michael's' hat!"  
"Um, I don't remember seeing Kelso slip into the basement; especially with the renegade neighbor tailing him." Eric said, exchanging a suspicious look to Hyde then Fez.  
All three stampede down the stairs and stood in a circle looking over the top hat sitting atop the table. They hold strange looks on their faces; each as if in deep thought. Hyde's face looked to be scowling, almost, in his laid back demeanor and then a playful grin curls up on his face. He picks the hat up, holding it up by the brim with the open side up, and nods his head.  
"I've got a trick we can play on Kelso. Let's crack an egg in the hat-"  
"Oh, and then he will pull out a chicken!" Fez interrupted. "That would be a great trick!"  
"Uh, no, Fez. I was thinking more along the lines he'd stick his hand in it and pull out egg yoke, and realize the hat is ruined. Then he'll throw it away and we won't have to be bothered with this magician crap he's pulling."  
"Hyde, that is so mean," said Eric, sounding disgusted. "Let's do it!"  
Eric and Hyde run up the stairs, traveling back to the kitchen with Fez moping along behind.   
"Darn," he sighed. "I wanted to see a chicken pop out of the hat."  
  
Meanwhile, back outside, Kelso ran along the Foreman driveway with Bob, surprisingly, on his heals. Jackie and Donna now stood out on the sidelines along with Red, who shook his head at both of their idiocy, watching the two mindlessly run around. Bob then pulled Kelso by the arm and pried the screwdriver out of Kelso's hands, shooting him a look that would kill if it could.  
"Don't ever touch my tools, again." Bob said, sternly.  
"Come on, Mr. Penciotti. I was gonna give it back."  
"Right, Michael," said Jackie, irritatedly. "Like my stuffed animal bunny?"  
"Hey, I said finders keepers, and when somebody calls it it's theirs."  
"Whatever, Michael."  
  
Back in the basement, the three guys stand over the hat once again, this time with Hyde holding an egg in his right hand. He shot glances over at Eric and Fez who stood waiting in anticipation, as if this would be a great moment in their life.  
"Alright, fellas," he said, then bent down and cracked the egg on the table, spilling the contents into the vulnerable hat.  
"Boys, we truly are evil," said Eric, looking into the hat to see the yoke sitting pretty in the hat.  
"Okay, okay. Mission accomplished, can we go-" Fez began, but was then interrupted by the basement door slamming shut. They all turned around to see Jackie, Donna and Kelso walking over to them. Hyde quickly tossed the evidence out of his hands and into the far corner of the basement.  
"You guys missed the oddly entertaining scene that just occurred outside," said Donna, seating herself on the couch.  
"Donna's dad ran me down, man," Kelso said, his head hung a little low. "He took the screwdriver away from me."  
"Well, you did steal our screwdriver."  
"That's not the point, Donna!" he shouted, then noticed his top hat on the table. "Hey, my magic hat! What's it doing here?"  
"You put it here," stuttered Eric. "Didn't you?"  
"No-" Kelso's voice trailed off as he picked up the hat, his thumb grazing over something sticky on the brim. "Hey, what's this?" He rubbed his index finger over his thumb analyzing the substance, then he held it up to his nose and inhaled the scent. "Oh my God, it smells like egg!"  
"Oh, dear Lord, the hat really is magic!" Fez shouted.  
Kelso tipped the top hat over and egg substances started to ooze out and splatter on the floor. Jackie scrunched her nose up watching the messy egg slowly drip out of the hat.   
"Alright, who did this?" Kelso demanded, darting his glares to each person. "I want answers, dammit!"  
"You are gonna clean that up, right?" Eric asked, slyly trying to change the subject.  
"My hat is ruined!" Kelso bellowed, ignoring Eric's question just as he did his.  
The room was struck with an awkward silence. Kelso's eyes continually stared at his egg stained hat.  
"So, uh," Hyde started, breaking the silence. "What are you gonna do with your hat now?"  
"Well, I guess I'll have to throw it out." Fez's face twitched slightly, and Kelso went to go throw the hat away.  
When he had disappeared, Donna turned to the three guys and shook her head. "So which one of you did it?"  
No more did the question come out of her mouth both Eric and Fez's fingers shot out toward Hyde.  
"Hyde did it and it was his idea," confessed Fez.  
"Traitors!" he shouted at their betrayal.  
"Hyde, his tricks are stupid, I know, but that was really mean." Donna said.  
Jackie casually slid her way over to him then threw her arms around his body. "Thank you!" She let him go and he began to inhale wildly as if she squeezed the breath out of him.  
"So now what are we going to do since _Hyde_ destroyed Kelso's magic hat?" Fez asked, glaring hard at Hyde.  
"Hey, don't put all this blame on me," Hyde said in his own defense. "You guys were ... _egging_ me on."  
Hyde chuckled a little at his convenient gag and Eric joined in lightly. Disrupting the atmosphere the buzzer to the washing machine went off, ringing through the basement sounding like a bird choking on a peach pit.   
"Oh, that's my laundry," mumbled Hyde as he turned towards it. He walked no further and a slightly audible gasp escaped from his lips.  
"What's wrong, Hyde?" Eric asked, walking over then he too stopped, yet he was more verbal. "Holy mother of God!"  
Sitting comfortably atop the washing machine was Kelso's top-hat. The gangs mouths gaped as they stared at the accessory.  
"It is a magic hat!" Fez exclaimed.  
"I could have sworn I saw Kelso take that hat up with him," said Donna, seriously.  
"Me too!" Jackie agreed, surprised with it's presence.  
Just then, the basement door slamming and Kelso's feet pounding against the stairs could be heard. Their heads turned curiously as they watched him gloomily climb down the stairs.  
"Kelso," called Donna. "Did you leave your hat down here in the basement?"  
"No, I threw it away out in the trash," he answered, suspiciously stepping down the last few steps. "Why?"  
They all dispersed from being gathered around the washing machine, standing far off from it as to not obstruct Kelso's view. Kelso first watched as they all moved at what seemed almost simultaneously, then his eyes caught the sight of his hat. He blinked hard and a surprised sound pushed out of his throat.  
"You guys bought me a new magic hat!" said Kelso, walking over to it eagerly. "You shouldn't have ..."  
"We didn't, Michael." Jackie snipped. "Why would we buy you another one of those stupid hats."  
"Then whose is this?"  
"It isn't mine," answered Eric.  
Everyone else shook their head, leaving the hat unclaimed. Kelso gandered at the hat, noticing the egg drippings on the brim that was glistening against the basement light. He stepped away from the hat quickly and threw his hands in the air, as if touching it would contaminate him with some deadly virus.  
"That hat is possessed!" Kelso pointed.  
"Kelso, the hat is not possessed." Donna said, exasperatedly. "You just probably _thought_ you threw it out when you actually accidentally left it here in the basement."  
"No, I pretty much remember throwing the hat away."  
"Then throw the hat away again."  
"Huh! Yeah right! You throw it away, Ms. The-hat-isn't-possessed chick!"  
"Fine," sighed Donna. She grabbed the hat and held it up for everyone to view. "See. I am now going to throw the hat away." Donna then disappeared out the basement door.  
"It would be some eery shit if it just appeared again like it did before," said Hyde, aloud.  
"Then it really _is_ evil," quivered Fez.  
Eventually, they all sat back down in their usual seats. In a disturbing silence each one of them took their turns staring down one another as if they were a suspected criminal in a horrible crime. Splitting the silence was Donna returning from her outing; hatless, by the way.  
"The hat is gone. I've thrown it in the trash. The end."  
"Oh, happy endings in scary movies are always so pleasing," said Fez, then he thought of his words and silenced.  
"Alright," sighed Eric as his girl came to sit on his lap on the couch.  
"I am so glad that thing is finally gone," said Jackie, relieved. "It was creepy even without the whole _evil_ possessed thing going on."  
"Yeah, well, don't get too happy yet." Hyde informed in a lazy tone. He sat in his chair stretched back with his eyes fixated on the foot of the stairs. Everyone turned around to see what it was Hyde had been referring to.  
"What is it, Steven?" Jackie asked, whipping around to see.  
Each one of them gasped to see the top-hat sitting proudly at the foot of the basement stairs. After staring long and hard at it, everyone simultaneously brought their sight onto Donna who had swallowed roughly in shock.  
"I threw that hat in the dumpster _myself_!" Donna exclaimed in bafflement.  
At that, everyone started to speak loudly of how strange and eery it was that the hat was doing what it was. Their voices got so loud that it almost could be heard all the way into the kitchen. Immensing in volume, each tried to explain to each other their 'logical' theory of what was going on, but at the same time. Eric covered his ears in aggravation then shot up from the sofa.  
"There is obviously only one resolution to end this matter!" he bellowed over everyone else. They all stared at him in silence and expectation. Eric giggled a little under the pressure of their stares then finished. "The hat must be destroyed!" He voiced, sternly and whipping his finger out to point at the deceptive hat.  
"Alright, Heimlich," said Kelso, sardonically. "How and where do you suppose we could do that?"  
"Okay, I'm going to take it that you meant to say Sherlock, but anyway..." Eric babbled. "I propose we burn it! Preferably somewhere far away from my house."  
"And mine!" Jackie chimed, shooting her former lover an irritated look.  
"Well how about that vacant lot two blocks from the Photo Hut," suggested Donna.  
"Yeeea," agreed Hyde. "That would be a perfect place to burn evidence." Everyone then fixed their silent stares at Hyde and he leaned back casually in his chair. "That is, if there was actually some kind of evidence to burn. In this case: an evident psycho hat."  
"Hey, that's Evident _Magical_ Psycho Hat, Hyde." Kelso corrected. "If you're going to name at least name it right."  
"Whatever, man. That thing is gonna burn."  
  
The gang stand around in the vacant lot, the sun had fully set and the moon was glowing like a spherical silver flame. Kelso doing the honors of carrying the hat, of course, quickly drops it with a pile of umbrage Fez and Eric collected from off the ground. Donna tilts the gas can she brought with her, and soaks the hat and foliage. They all stand in a circle, looking down upon the hat as if it were a tiny evil gremlin.  
"So, what now?" Eric says, clasping his hands together.  
"Burn it, Eric! Burn it!" Kelso shouted, frantically.  
"Kelso, it's _your_ evil hat," said Eric. "You do it."  
"Here, man." Hyde tossed Kelso a tiny box. "Light it up."  
Kelso struck a match and held it in front of his face, watching the flame dance on the stick he held in his hand. "All right, guys. This is it."  
"Oh my God. This is like the final scene in those sci-fi movies," piped Fez.  
"Shut up, Fez." Everyone chorused.  
Kelso then let the match slip from his fingers and tumbled down to the awaiting top-hat below. The match fell right on target and ignited into a strong flame, the hat being barbecued and the smoke beginning to rapidly rise. "The deed has been done." Kelso saluted.  
"Alright," sighed Jackie, relieved. "Now, let's all go. I'm tired and the smoke is starting to get really thick and ashy."  
Everyone agreed and all retreated back to their individual homes, leaving the still burning top-hat all by it's lonesome. 

THE END? 

A few local firemen gather around the vacant lot. Their hoses sprayed viciously on the flame that spreaded rapidly on the dry ground. As the flames were dowsed and the smoke began to waver, the men began to progress to investigate the cause. As they looked around they come to the conclusion that it must have been some trouble-making local kids.  
From a clump of soggy ashy, one of the firemen bends down to pick up an object. A top-hat. He turns around and holds it up to show to the guys, all amazed that it survived the blaze unscathed. He tucked it under his arm and started to walk back to the truck.   
That night, the stars and the moon beamed brightly as being the only other witnesses to the act, and the firetruck drove back to it's station... unknowing. 


End file.
